It'll be a window into my world, so to speak. Christian says I can be honest.
Reviewing what I have written is daunting. Maybe a short summary will have to do.
We are here in Austin because God has closed every other door on which we have knocked. Christian is always telling me not to talk about what I don't want, but rather what I do want. Well, what I DO want is not even remotely possible - to stay in Missoula, to enjoy my kids, to not have to plant another church. What IS possible, and IS happening, is what I DON'T want. That leaves me in a less than enviable position. I feel like the butt of a cosmic joke. God seems to be calling us to plant another church.
Logically speaking I totally get that and can even give an intellectual assent to it. But my heart is still not there. Not yet. So most of my entries since arriving in Austin involve repenting for being angry and for not wanting what God wants and seems to be doing. And then I try asking God to help me want those things, to love the people in Austin, to gain a wider "kingdom perspective." But it's still hard.
And so I trudge on, trying to lean into what God is asking of me each day. There is grief, halting trust, and a sense that I have to fight every minute of each day or I will just give in and succumb to sadness and despair.
